You may be wondering how I have come to this mind blowing conclusion with such speed but you would be an idiot. I, like most of my fellow educated boffins within the intelligentsia elite, keep an eye on calenders and the like with somewhat of a tendency to follow them as if they were indeed accurate measurements of significant or worthwhile time. Crazy, right? When it comes to this very segment of winter here on this planet of yours and mine, yes.
As soon as I was within whispering distance of what I'd consider a salient inner monologue, I've been romantically paranoid and for some reason in desire of solution to this within the christmas season. It starts at the beginning of December exactly and fades out into mid January after my birthday is out the way I'd imagine.
The inner me, the one that talks over myself and during other people's speeches and describes everyone within a muon of subjectivity, begins to want someone to share all of itself with. I'm obviously thinly veiling myself here as I'm awful at fully exposing myself without metaphor or humour so allow some blending of abstract and Daniel for this entry.
The only time I really ever felt totally happy out in the open with myself was the last time I was in a relationship, I'm not sure if I'm too old to say girlfriend now and there's no way I'm giving in and involving myself in the title of 'partner' without it involving crime or magic.
During this time I'd gotten sick of my December feelings and having my inner monologue blabbing on about a new friend that I decided to not look for love but instead tell the truth. Lots of truth. It might not have been noticed by people around me but I was enjoying really letting out everything you shouldn't. I was most surprised by the majority of things coming out not actually being negative. I was saying what I thought should be said and it turned out everyone else was thinking it too.
This is what attracted her most I think as I was about a foot shorter than her prefered 'type'. Possibly also my humour and the fact that before I managed to convince her I was a possible catch I'd lost about 2 stone in weight. Anyway, it ironically all worked out quite well for a while. Enough about that.
I've started doing it again recently and I'm finding another side to it that I'd forgotten. I was worried that I'd just let out the bad, the possible angst or sadness inside, but instead I've been allowing myself to feel better and more confident with myself. Telling the truth and this ensuing confidence of my opinion, often resulting in telling people positive comments I'd otherwise keep to myself, has also led me back into the path of women.
I think I've became attractive again which is an almost impossible sentence to type without trying to pretend I'm my inner monologue again. I've started to sort of get it and I think I might be better than even then but I've definitely got some things to get over.
A perfect example of this hurdle is the Festive Fling I was attending on Friday. I sat next to an attractive girl/woman on a swivelly ball shaped chair and spun round and started talking to her about us seeming to be presenters of a show or perhaps her being my guest, something funny and stupid. As soon as she took hold of my hand for a trip to the dance floor though I switched back. I was terrified yet truthful all of a sudden. I told her 'I'm sorry I'm a coward'. I'm still amazed that that somehow popped out but I suppose it was stupid truths that got me there in the first place. She took me anyway by force and I was mocing and shaking however I do that. I literally have no idea how I dance so I couldn't say it was good or bad but, as with anyone else, when I'm on a dance floor, I can dance. The paranoid part of my brain perked up again and I begand to think 'This is wrong, either she's taking the piss or she's some diseased skank'. I literally thought that. Possibly the most offensive she'd hear in her life if I'd said it. I didn't and went again with 'I really shouldn't be here. You're too attractive and I'm a coward.' She wasn't taking it and started dancing closer and told me sincerely 'No it's fine you're a good dancer'. I smiled but I was still paranoid then her two friends appeared and we posed for a photo. This I didn't mind as much but I was now smiling like I knew I was part of their joke. I apologised and left them and as I did could hear her say 'Oh fine fuck you'. She'd really tried and I'd blown fun for both of us.
What that means for me I don't know but it's happened more than once now. I have everything I need to genuinly make women attracted to me but then when it comes down to them being attracted to me I'm lost.
I'm going to overcome it and as silly and useless a man I sound, I think it's going to be some of the most memorable and fun moments of my life from now on.
I do love ending with what seems an easily layed out happy ditty but it leaves me wanting to mock myself and write it again. Also, I can end it merely analysing myself without summary, can I? I'll finish with something I've found on the internet that I want to share.
